Growing up, parenting looked very different from it does today.
Maybe you can relate to the following memories or have witnessed a few (if you are among the rare lucky souls that did not experience this brand of parenting):
- The “Stare-Glare” in public or across the room (or an ocean; it travelled through landmasses and circumvented volcanoes if need be).
- The “Count-Down”, the 1, 2, 3 in a level voice that grew ominous from 1 to 3 in 0.5 seconds.
- The “Hand Gesture” the one where the fingers of the right hand are closed together pointing upwards (looking like a tulip, for a brief second) and then the whole wrist slowly starts moving down and then up again repeatedly, a sure sign that certain reprimand will be carried out at home.
Familiar? Probably. I write this with a nostalgic smile on my face, and I hope you are also reading this and smiling. Our parents did the best they could with what they were taught was “parenting”.
Today, many of us are trying to do things differently. We want to be close to our children. We want them to open up to us, to trust us, to feel safe sharing their struggles. But in doing so, we sometimes drift too far in the other direction—becoming more like friends than parents.
The tension: parent or friend?
Scripture actually speaks to both sides of this tension.
On the one hand, we are called to lead, guide, and correct:
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)
“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” (Proverbs 13:24).
Contextual Meaning: The “rod” (Hebrew: shebet) is associated with a shepherd’s tool for guidance, symbolizing protection and direction (as per Google).
These verses remind us that parenting requires authority, structure, and correction. I draw the line at any form of physical or corporal correction or discipline; there is never any justification or rationale for either. This verse does NOT give anyone the permission to use any kind of rod, whether literal or otherwise, on anyone–end of disclaimer.
As I was saying: Love is not passive—it acts, it teaches, it sets boundaries.
But on the other hand, Scripture also calls us to gentleness and relationship:
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
“Let all that you do be done in love.” (1 Corinthians 16:14)
And we see in Christ Himself the perfect model—He is Lord, Teacher, and King, yet He says to His disciples:
“I have called you friends.” (John 15:15)
There it is: authority and closeness. Leadership and relationship. Not one or the other—but both, held together carefully.
Why this balance matters more today
Our parents raised us in a world that, while not perfect, was simpler. The values at school, in media, and in society were often more aligned with what we were taught at home and in church.
That’s no longer the case. NOT BY A LONG SHOT.
Today, our children are growing up in a culture that constantly challenges their identity, their faith, and their understanding of truth. Social media, peer pressure, and shifting moral standards create confusion at younger and younger ages.
If we are only strict, we risk pushing them away. They may obey externally but withdraw internally.
If we are only friends, we risk failing to guide them. They may feel comfortable—but without direction.
Our children don’t just need a parent. And they don’t just need a friend.
They need a parent who leads like a parent—but connects like a friend.
Practical application: how to live this out
Here are six practical ways to strike that balance in everyday family life.
3 ways to remain a strong parent
- Set clear, non-negotiable boundaries
Children feel safer when they know where the lines are. This includes:
- Church attendance
- Respectful behaviour
- Screen time limits
- Family expectations
You don’t need to apologize for structure. Boundaries are not a lack of love—they express it.
- Follow through consistently
One of the biggest differences between being a parent and being a friend is consistency.
If you say something matters, it has to matter every time. Empty warnings or changing rules based on mood weaken your authority and confuse your child.
Consistency builds trust—even when they don’t like the outcome.
- Be willing to say “no” without guilt
Your child will not always understand your decisions—and that’s okay.
Sometimes love looks like:
- Saying no to things “everyone else is doing”–they do not need a cellphone when they are 3 years old; I exaggerate, but only slightly!
- Protecting them from influences they’re not ready for
- Holding a standard, they may resist
You are not raising them to be comfortable. You are raising them to be grounded in Christ.
3 ways to be a friend to your child
- Create space for open conversation
If your child only hears from you when they’re in trouble, they will stop talking.
Make time to:
- Ask about their day
- Listen without interrupting
- Let them share without fear of immediate correction
Sometimes they don’t need a lecture—they need to feel heard.
- Share your own struggles and experiences
Your children don’t need a perfect parent. They need a real one.
Tell them about:
- Mistakes you made growing up
- Times you struggled with faith
- Lessons you learned the hard way
This builds connection and shows them that growth is a lifelong journey.
- Spend time together without an agenda
Not every interaction needs to be a teaching moment.
Go for a walk. Watch a movie. Grab a meal. Laugh together.
These moments build the relationship that makes your guidance meaningful later.
When correction comes from someone they feel close to, it is received differently.
Holding both roles at once
Being both a parent and a friend doesn’t mean blending the roles into something vague. It means knowing when to lean into each one.
There will be moments when your child needs clarity, direction, and firmness.
There will be other moments when they need empathy, patience, and presence.
Wisdom is learning to recognize which moment you’re in.
Christ Himself shows this balance constantly in the Gospels—He corrects, but He also comforts. He teaches, but He also walks alongside.
Closing reflection
In this day and age, we cannot afford to step back from our parental role.
Our children are more confused than ever. The messages they receive from the world are louder, faster, and more persuasive than anything previous generations faced. Social media, entertainment, and culture are constantly pulling them in directions that often conflict with the life of the Church.
They need guidance. They need clarity. They need a steady hand.
But they also need connection.
If we lead only with authority, we risk losing their hearts.
If we lead only with friendship, we risk losing their direction.
The calling in front of us is harder—but also more beautiful:
To be strong without being harsh.
To be close without losing authority.
To be a parent who guides—and a friend who understands.
Because in the end, our goal is not just obedience.
It’s raising children who love Christ, trust their parents, and carry both truth and love into the world.
In Christ,
Mireille
Orthodox Resources about this topic: Parenting Towards the Kingdom
Other articles you might enjoy: 5 ideas to inspire our children to read the Bible
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